News from the lot

Donald P. Belmesario marks his 90th birthday by attempting to “hop” back to his 44th

Studio City — On the morning of his ninetieth birthday, Donald P. Belmesario reported to Stage 7 of Belmesario Plaza, home of the original QUANTUM HOP sets, and attempted to travel back to his own 44th birthday. Mr. Belmesario created the series in 1989 and has long maintained that it is, in his words, “a documentary the network categorized as science fiction for insurance reasons.”

His purpose, he told the assembled staff, was to finally remember what his gift had been. “You lose things at ninety. I refuse to lose a gift of that caliber. I’d sooner lose physics. Physics can well wait.” Mr. Belmesario pressed his hand to the imaging chamber handprint, instructed Gigi to “run the numbers,” and — per a stagehand’s count — was gone forty seconds.

Upon returning, Mr. Belmesario confirmed the attempt had been a success but declined to name the gift. “I remember exactly one thing about it: it was the best gift ever given. To anyone. By anyone. I checked. Gigi checked. 73.4%.” He has instructed that the sets remain powered “in case I need to hop back and check a detail.” At press time, the hop, as always, never ends.

Belmesarius Productions renews “Encee. Why? Yes!” for a record 22nd season

Studio City — The Major Case Response Team isn’t going anywhere. The Belmesario Network has renewed its flagship procedural for a twenty-second season, extending a run that has now outlasted four network presidents, two of whom left specifically because of the show.

“Rusty Coffey doesn’t retire,” said creator and executive producer Donald P. Belmesario. “He stands in the bullpen, he holds his coffee, and he waits. That’s not a career. That’s a lifestyle. Season twenty-two begins when he’s good and ready, and not one frame sooner.”

Production resumes in October. The bullpen coffee budget, per Belmesario, is “the line item I defend personally, with force if necessary.”

“Quantum Hop” complete-series Blu-ray arrives with the hop restored and Sal’s jackets uncut

Studio City — Ninety-seven episodes. Five seasons. One controversial finale, presented exactly as Donald P. Belmesario intended it: confusing. The complete-series Blu-ray collection features a 4K restoration of the hop corridor, all of Gigi’s probability calculations on screen for the first time since broadcast, and a bonus disc containing every one of Sal Calzone’s velvet jackets, catalogued, gloriously.

“People ask me if Bart ever made it home,” Belmesario said at the release event. “I answer them the same way the finale answers them: no comment, and also, the bartender says hi. Buy the Blu-ray. Then watch it. Then call me. Not about the ending. About the jackets.”

Donald P. Belmesario to receive Television Century Award; speech expected to run long

Hollywood — The Producers Persuasion of Television Arts has announced that Donald P. Belmesario will receive its Television Century Award this fall, honoring “forty years of uncompromising, frequently litigated, always personal storytelling.”

Belmesario, who personally petitioned for the award in 1994, 2001, 2008, and “every year since, in writing, on letterhead,” accepted via a statement that ran to four pages and concluded: “It’s about time. Literally. I bill by the hour and this speech is going to cost them.”

Broadcasters have been advised the acceptance speech has “no known upper bound.”

Statement from Donald P. Belmesario regarding network notes

Studio City — Earlier this year, the Belmesario Network delivered to Belmesarius Productions a seven-page document of suggested changes to an upcoming telefilm. Mr. Belmesario read the document in full. Mr. Belmesario then had thoughts.

His complete statement, released this morning, reads: “Tell the network that their notes were received, reviewed, and deeply appreciated by me personally. Then tell them the changes are rejected. All of them. The Ferrari was red when I found it and it will be red when I — and here I’m quoting myself from memory — the thing into the sunset, forever. With respect and affection, Donald P. Belmesario. P.S. The P is for .”

The network has approved the telefilm without changes.

“Magnum P████” hero car auctioned for charity; buyer also receives estate guest-house rights, no questions asked

Oahu — The original red 308 from MAGNUM P crossed the block at auction this month, selling for a figure the auction house described as “enthusiastic.” Proceeds benefit the Coalsburg, Pennsylvania Public Library, where a young Donald P. Belmesario first read a book, disliked it, and decided he could do better.

The sale included lifetime guest-house rights at the show’s Hawaiian estate, a clause inserted by Belmesario “to keep things interesting” and reviewed by three separate legal teams before being permitted to stand.

“The car,” said Belmesario, “should belong to someone who will drive it the way Magnum drove it: without asking, without insurance details, and into the sunset.”

Belmesarius Productions signs nine-figure overall deal with the Belmesario Network

Studio City — Belmesarius Productions has signed a new overall deal with the Belmesario Network, a company that, contractually speaking, is the same company.

The nine-figure agreement covers all current series, all future series, and “any projects Mr. Belmesario describes out loud, including at parties, including at 2 a.m., including to waiters,” per language Mr. Belmesario insisted upon personally.

“I have never once sold a show to a stranger,” Belmesario explained. “I only sell to people who already work for me. It’s cleaner that way. The money never leaves the building.”